The Rail Scenario

I think Alabama is going to have another undefeated regular season. Probably Ohio State too. Boise for sure. Cool huh? Wait…that’s not cool at all. What if a Big 12 team goes undefeated? Three BCS teams and one sexy Cinderella all undefeated? Shouldn’t that be the makings of the greatest climax for a college football season ever? Yeppers, but its not. Actually it would be the opposite. An anticlimactic bunch of horseshit is what that would be.

Obviously Boise gets left out (no BSU sympathy from me...play a schedule Boise State…play a schedule). I’d have to guess that a decent majority would want to see Alabama v Ohio State as the NC matchup. Those are a couple of powerhouse programs in powerhouse conferences, so one can hardly argue with that. Well f*** that! I’ll argue with that. Whoa whoa whoa…don’t tell me to settle down!! Don’t tell me it’s too early in the season to start talking about the possibility that 3 BCS teams go undefeated. Don't tell me that somebody always pulls a late season upset. Don’t tell me that I shouldn’t wear a colored t-shirt underneath my button down when I go out on the weekends…I don’t care what GQ told you. Fine, I’ll wear white undershirts, but goddammit, I’m not going to chill out about the stupid BCS.

One of these days it is going to happen. It has to. Someday there will be three deserving teams with unblemished records. And that will be the day when an entire fan base flips the f*** out. If that fan base is Nebraska…oh man oh man…how much of a stomach punch would that be? Actually it wouldn’t be a stomach punch at all. It’d be more like one of those YouTube clips where the skateboarding teenager is grinding a rail, biffs it, and takes it right in the gouch. You press play. You see what is going on. You know he is going to eat it. You do your best to turn your head before the pain. Ewwwww…ouchhhh…right in the gouch.

Hold on…this is acceptable to the powers that be? It would be acceptable for NU (or UT or OU) to go undefeated in the Big 12 and get the shaft? It is acceptable that EVERY SINGLE college football fan would be enraged at the process? THAT IS ACCEPTABLE??? C’mon. Really? That is an acceptable end to a college football season? Get the f*** out of here. That is not acceptable.

This is not a pro-playoff rant. It’s an anti-rail-to-the-gouch rant. 16-team playoff? Fine. Not my cup of tea, but fine. 8-team playoff? Getting better. 4-team playoff (the plus one)? Now we’re talking. But if we absolutely can’t accomplish any of these formats, then how about we just fix the rail-gouch scenario? Build in a contingency plan that says if, and only if, 3 or more BCS teams finish the season undefeated, we add a game and figure this shit out on the field. How tough is that? Who does that hurt?

If the nightmare scenario (which really should be the money scenario) happens this year, it will be pandemonium. ESPN will be unwatchable. Sports talk radio will be unlistenable. Cocoa Puffs will be untasteable. It will be miserable. Even if it isn’t the Cornhuskers taking the rail, it will be miserable. WHY OH WHY CAN’T THEY AVOID THIS VERY POSIBLE DISASTER???

Corp of Engineers: We built you a nice levy.

New Orleanian: It is a nice levy. I love the levy.

Corp of Engineers: Yep…it’ll hold against most hurricanes.

New Orleanian: Most?

Corp of Engineers: Yeah, just not the really big ones.

New Orleanian: Is it possible that a big one will come?

Corp of Engineers: Well someday…yeah…for sure.

New Orleanian: Well what will happen if a big one comes?

Corp of Engineers: Total collapse. Total disaster. Total pandemonium. Rail to the gouch.

New Orleanian: Can’t we make the levy stronger?

Corp of Engineers: Well sure…I guess. But why don’t we just wait and see what happens. I mean so far, so good…right?

New Orleanian: You're f***ing loony, aren’t you? You have no concept of reality. I mean, you really are dumber than shit.